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Aug 07

Aneurysm. You bitches are giving me another aneurysm.

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As turnover starts looming large and ominous, the personality of everyone who comes in this office starts to resemble a full moon mixed with zombie apocalypse.  My Monday started out hard and just got harder. (That’s what she said.)

me: Thank you for being a good woman and a good person.
Madame Inappropriate: wtf? Who are you and where is my friend?
me: Women are the most wretched, terrible people in the world, and the gender as a whole needs a good, deep dicking.
Madame Inappropriate: What happened?
me: They’re just all bitches today.
Madame Inappropriate: The tenants?
me: Past, present, and future, yes. And it’s only the vaginas.  The dicks are being remarkably gentlemanly.

I don’t know why I always answer that inevitable 8:03 am phone call. I also don’t know why I check work email from my phone at 9:00 pm. I’m inexplicably drawn to the flashing mail icon, but it never ends well.

I have a special learning disorder – I can’t read warning signs.

 

The email in question was from one of my frat tards. He’s been asking in a ridiculously roundabout way, for 2 months now, what would happen if he and his butt brothers fail to move out on time. Already I have a sinking feeling that I’ll be suing someone for holdover while simultaneously fighting off the incoming tenants with a pokey stick. Then I got this email which was quite direct, if not still shady.

“While per your last email I get the feeling this 9am deadline on the 14th is non negotiable, “

Really genius? I mean, I know I told you that the deadline is rock solid, but how were you able to deduce that the deadline is non-negotiable? Are you gifted?

“I also read somewhere that should that not be executed, there would be a fee involved. I was wondering what this fee would entail simply because we have a scheduling conflict in wanting to make sure the place is clean before we vacate. If we were granted some more of the day on the 14th (even if there was a fee), it would mean the place would be able to be cleaned professionally. My question simply is how much is the fee for taking a few extra hours to produce a much cleaner product?”

Bullshit. I have a dozen pictures I can enter into evidence that these guys haven’t been concerned with cleaning for the past 11 months and change. As of this morning, they have 8 days to get shit done. I don’t trust their motivation , and I’m not even playing games anymore. So I replied:

“Under state law , the fee for holdover is 2x the amount of rent. At your location, that could be as little as $75 and as much as $160 for just that few hours. Honestly, having the cleaning deducted from your security deposit won’t generally cost that much unless you were really bad about routine cleaning all year.

That said, I cannot conceive of a world in which it would take more than 6 hours to clean a 3 bedroom apartment from top to bottom with military precision.”
I haven’t heard back from him since that message went out, but whatever he might say won’t make much difference. Failure to plan, not my problem, yada yada and shit. I gave them a time line 1 month, 3 weeks, and 2 days ago that told them EXACTLY what they should do and when. I have a note on the calendar to inspect their apartment first on move-in day as payback for the indignity of having to answer their stupid questions.

At this point I am certain of one thing: when we charge them that $160 legally non-refundable holdover fee AND charge them for cleaning on top of it (because I know they’re not fucking cleaning), I will spend hours on the phone with their batshit crazy mothers. Because if I’ve learned anything in the last year of dealing with these wank blankets, it’s that jewish mothers have NOTHING BETTER THE FUCK TO DO THAN HOVER OVER THEIR GROWN MOTHER FUCKING CHILDREN AND RUN THEIR LIVES FROM 1900 MILES AWAY.

 

I also have an apartment that is unexpectedly back on the market as of yesterday because dude accepted a job back in the UK. Great. Always with the 11th hour bullshit.  I listed the ad right away and got 10 calls in the first hour, plus 5 applications yesterday. Near the end of the day, I got a call from a woman who didn’t care about the details of the apartment, just that our policy states that cats must be spayed/neutered and declawed.

time wasting harlot: “You require cat’s to be declawed? That’s inhumane. You know that, right?”
me: “It’s not my policy, but that doesn’t matter. You want a cat, you have to play by the rules.”
rages against the washing machine: “And if I don’t?”
me: “The cat isn’t permitted on the premises. Deal.”
dances with crazy: “I’m calling the humane society!”
me: “That’s a good start. I hear they offer low cost declaws.”

Good rule of thumb – if the Humane Society offers the service, it’s not inhumane. Fucktwaddle.

***Side note: If you’re one of those people who wants to argue that point with me, don’t bother. I don’t give a duck’s water tight ass. All my indoor cats have been front declawed and it’s never affected their quality of life. You can dislike my decision all you want, as long as you keep it locked inside the crazy box that is your head.

And with that, I’m going to retreat to my happy place and eat some cheezits.

8 comments

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  1. Misty

    Yeah, you better just go ahead and get all your paperwork ready for that there apartment, i.e. have it in hand to make a stop at the courthouse for filing that same day. Cuz you know they ain’t leaving that place at 9:00 am. Doucheheads.

    Oh, and STOP CHECKING WORK EMAIL AT HOME. You are only hurting yourself.
    Misty recently posted..A Trip to the Beach: A Journey in Pictures PART 1My Profile

  2. NATurally Inappropriate

    I like how I’m someone different each post. lol
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Well actually, I’m not as certain what I’m thinking as I thoughtMy Profile

  3. Valerie

    Holy. Fucking. Donkey. Dick.

    I think I had an aneurysm just THINKING about having to deal with assholes like that. I drink this next glass of wine in your honor, my dear.

    This. Is. Sparta.

    Hugs!

    Valerie
    Valerie recently posted..Today was a big fat stinky assholeMy Profile

    1. admin

      I’m becoming a huge fan of my “just hang up” campaign for pretty much this reason.

  4. bluzdude

    Geez, it ‘s bad enough to deal with the students, but the mothers too? Oye!
    bluzdude recently posted..Fig’n AMy Profile

    1. admin

      I see what you did there…

  5. NATurally Inappropriate

    Also, I’ve noticed a lot of your posts deal with death and murder. Just sayin’. *snicker*
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Don’t pull the wicker shitMy Profile

    1. admin

      The fantasies keep reality at bay.

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