Jan 23

And then her head exploded – The evil roommate Part 2

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If you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend that you check out Friday’s post featuring part one of this story. Being that things are going to get progressively weirder, it helps to have some back story.

Are you all caught up now? Got your soda? Popcorn? We good? Okay then, let’s continue.
Without further adieu, I give you:

Bitcherella the Evil College Roommate Part Two: The Conclusion?


As I’d mentioned previously, Bitcherella had a moderate psychotic meltdown because her roommate started locking her bedroom door when she wasn’t home to keep Bitcherella from stealing her clothes or perfume, or masturbating on her bed, or whatever. During this tirade, she did a few thousand in damage to the walls and fixtures in the apartment, but the general manager was terrified of Bitcherella’s mom and did nothing about it, opting instead to move to Texas to manage another community. (Maybe he figured that not even EVIL will mess with Texas.) The twat who took over for him was so abysmally terrible at management, people skills, and life in general that she resigned in disgrace 6 months later, but not before she caused another psychotic episode.


Not long after the initial psychotic episode, Bitcherella started threatening her roommate Vicki, to the point that Vicki stayed with her boyfriend 24/7 and would only come back to the apartment to get more clothes if someone confirmed that she wasn’t home. She had a flamboyant male visitor with a tiny, equally flamboyant dog visit the building daily, and the whole lot of them (dog included) flashed major anger management issues whenever they were ordered to remove the dog from the building. Then the flamboyant friend did a study abroad, so what did Bitcherella do? Why, she moved the dog into her apartment full time, of course!

She tried to be discreet about it at first, if discreet is really a concept that she fully grasps. She’d take him out at shift change when I wasn’t watching the lobby or the security monitors, first thing in the morning before I got there, or late at night when staff took lunch. There were never any complaints about dogs barking, but I’m guessing that the neighbors would have written it off as her being weird again. Then facilities kept noticing bags of cat litter in the trash and asking if I knew who had the cat.. I put two and two together when the residents on that floor kept complaining about urine smells in the hallway and one of them so generously brought me a dog turd in a plastic bag that he found in front of his door.

I started checking the overnight security cameras for the past week and sure enough, not only had she been parading him through the lobby at various times of day, but when she didn’t feel like taking him out, she’d open the door and let him do his business in front of the neighbors’ apartments. I took my findings to the TwatGM, who didn’t see a problem. “Yeah, I knew he was here. She’s watching him for a friend and as long as she’s discreet, I told her it would be temporarily fine.” Then I pointed out that there was nothing discreet about pet odor, urine stains, and fecal matter. “I’ll address it with her later.”

She must have “addressed it” alright, because from then on, Bitcherella paraded the dog through any time of day, morning, noon, or night. Residents complained that she was allowed to have a pet and they weren’t. (I gave them TwatGM’s direct line.) Then came the day that frou-frou sissy dog took a whiz on TwatGM while she was talking to a contractor in the lobby.

And just like that, pupsy-doodle was evicted from his short-term housing. This clearly did not sit well with Bitcherella. She did send the dog to live with her mommy, but not before she let him lift his leg all over her apartment. And then she broke into her roommate’s locked bedroom and let him do his thing in there too. And since the bedroom was open then, she decided to help herself to any of the items that her heart desired. Of course, Vicki saw this, and immediately called her parents to move her out, after which she filed a criminal complaint. TwatGM stuck her little puggy nose in the air as she was so fond of doing and told her that she was being “overly sensitive and that she wasn’t going to be allowed out her lease.” So Vicki did the logical thing and got a temporary injunction against her roommate. The police were present as she moved her personal effects out of the apartment to prevent any shenanigans and told TwatGM that under the law, Vicki couldn’t be held responsible for the rent as long as Bitcherella remained on the premises.

New Years Eve of that year marked the beginning of the end. Emergency maintenance got an after hours call of a fire alarm. He arrived at the building to find the tenants huddling outside in the courtyard while the fire department went through the building to locate the source. According to the fire alarm panel, someone had pulled a fire alarm, and they found the pull station on Bitcherella’s floor active and the handle broken, which means they couldn’t get the alarm to shut off. In the end, we had to circumvent fire code and shut off that pull station until the repair company could come out the next morning. Then I got called in to look at video surveillance of the hallway to see who pulled it. I’d fast forwarded through about 4 hours of empty hallway when what to my wandering eyes should appear? BITCHERELLA, stumbling out of her apartment absolutely shitfaced, proceeded to stumble her way down the hallway, yank the pull station handle so hard that even the grainy camera saw it snap like a twig, and walked back to her apartment, mooned the security camera, and closed her door. Watching this on the security feed the next day was so ridiculous, and I’m not joking when I say that we watched that video feed with police, fire department, and maintenance dozens of times, laughing our asses off.

TwatGM didn’t start eviction proceedings with that incident like she should have, though. Instead, given the amount of damages, TwatGM sent Bitcherella a bill for just over $6,000 to cover damages to the apartment, the hallways, remediation to remove pet urine from the entire floor, and the repair cost to fix the broken pull station. In retaliation, Bitcherella stopped paying rent. TwatGM had to file for an eviction anyway, but didn’t have her served properly. TwatGM had to file an amended eviction action. Meanwhile, she hadn’t paid rent in 2 months.

At the end of it all, we finally got a judgement of eviction against her and psychotic mother and daughter had to start moving out. On their final move-out day, I was covering the desk of the building next door where I had the pleasure of watching them lug her personal effects out of the building. Unfortunately, mommy dumbest pulled her car in front of the driveway for the hotel next door and proceeded to block a few patrons from getting out and refused to move after their manager asked her to. Instead, they left the car there and went to lunch.

Being the good samaritan that I am, I called the police and reported some jackass blocking the driveway to the hotel. Police arrived 5 minutes later to find the offending vehicle unoccupied and still blocking the driveway. He wrote a ticket and stuck it to the car and made a call to have it towed. As the tow truck finished getting it loaded, mother and daughter came running up and violently shoved the tow truck operator in full view of the police officer who immediately jumped to action.


Now, keep in mind that from where I’m sitting, I can see everything unfolding, and I can hear the yelling parts too. The bold is what I can swear to in court – I saw it, heard it, etc. The italicized is what I imagine was said because it was spoken in normal tones by someone clearly not insane.

Mom comes screaming into the drive: Get your hands off my car, you sunuvabiiiiiitch! *shoves the tow operator almost knocking him over*
Police officer: Ma’am, is this your vehicle? It has been unattended for 20 minutes and blocking a driveway.
Mom, shoving her finger into the officer’s chest: “You have NO RIGHT! I was NOT gone for 20 minutes! I have been moving my daughter out of her apartment because THESE ASSHOLES kicked her out!”
Police: Ma’am, calm down and do not poke me.
Police: *forces mommy dumbest onto the car and cuffs her*
Daughter: *jawdrop*

The car got towed, mommy got carted away, and Bitcherella ended up taking mommy’s purse and calling a cab. I saw Bitcherella a few more times after that working at a Starbucks near my office, but I heard from one of the baristas that she got fired for being rude to customers. I also saw her at Target with some friends buying stuff for their new apartment, and I mentally wished the friends the best of luck.

About 2 weeks ago, I saw her in a pet store while I was grabbing some food for Mika-squeaka. She was walking down the center of the store carrying a cage full of rodents while an employee yelled after her to wait for a manager and she flipped the girl off. Five minutes later, said manager was conducting a preliminary employment interview at the counter while I was checking out, and asked her if she considered herself responsible and reliable with good customer service skills.

“Oh, definitely!”

I guffawed. Loudly. “Really? You should ask her about her illegal dog that peed all over her apartment building and landlord, the rage holes in the walls all over her apartment, and the fire alarm that she broke in a drunken rage before getting evicted for not paying rent. Oh, and I’m sure *Starbucks  location* has some really fun stories about her too!”

And much like the day I met her two years before, she stomped her foot, screamed, and ran out of the store, leaving her rats on the counter.

The manager asked me, “Did all that really happen?”
“Yup. I would DEFINITELY take a pass on that one.”



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  1. bluzdude

    Moral of the story: Sweet revenge comes to those who wait.
    bluzdude recently posted..The Tao of Te’oMy Profile

    1. admin

      In other news, my new handle for internet forums is Sweet Revenge.

  2. Valerie

    Wow!!! I guess the crazy apple doesn’t fall far from the crazy tree. I love that you ruined a job prospect for her. Best ending ever!!!!


    Valerie recently posted..Fact: Pygmy Hippos are AssholesMy Profile

    1. admin

      The part I loved most is that I inadvertently got her mom arrested and didn’t even have to leave the comfort of my desk in order to watch that happen.

  3. Misty

    Great story. And revenge is a dish best served cold. Then again, I’m sure she’ll get a job at some unsuspecting and soon to regret it employ. Those poor people.
    Misty recently posted..Muy FrioMy Profile

    1. admin

      And yet, part of me thinks that she’d be spectacular as a customer service agent for companies that hate their customers. People would be terrified to call that hotline if they knew she was on the other end.

  4. Winopants

    HOLY SHIT. This story starts off funny and just gets better. Classic.
    Winopants recently posted..Reviewer Card Holder Brad Newman, Yelp Gansta’My Profile

  5. NATurally Inappropriate

    I can’t believe that I just NOW finished this story. Legit, babe. Legit.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..I’m a real fucking keeper, ya’llMy Profile

  6. Sam

    I was searching for something on google, came across this, and I don’t remember what I was looking for anymore… That was an awesome story. 😀

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