«

»

Oct 03

I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.

Print Friendly

This past week has confirmed what I’ve long held to be irrefutable scientific fact: If there is a twenty-something girl in this world, she will get more bent out of shape than a Romanian contortionist over something that she blew out of proportion in her PMS addled brain. Much like bombing fish in a barrel, it’s almost unsporting how easy it is to piss them off, but that doesn’t stop me from giggling like a maniacal bastard inwardly (and outwardly, if we’re being honest) every time I unlock an offense achievement.

Without going into too much detail, it started as a work thing, but has degenerated into a bitch full moon because some hypersensitive twat lost her shit on Facebook today.

I’m purple. And clearly a bad comedian.

Most people would have taken my initial comment as the joke that it was (no matter how much truth there is in it). Unfortunately, the self-appointed victim has no sense of humor, but that’s not my fault. I got independent verification.

Me:  Does the idea of comparing the behavioral training of a toddler to a puppy offend you?

Queen Inappropriate:  No. It’s the same thing.
Me:  Thank you.
Queen Inappropriate: So yeah- the best way to keep a toddler off the couch? Watch it. Your friend is retarded. I wish I was able to post.
Me: Not my friend. Not sure why she’s on my friends list. I think I know her through my brother.
Me: God, I hope he didn’t hit that. He may have contracted teh stoopid.

Just remember, girls- every time you turn into a blubbering vagina, I win. And I know how much that pisses you off, so take some Midol and walk it off.

Not that middle aged men are any better. Yesterday, I had a former commercial tenant come in to talk to my boss and make a payment on his staggeringly large outstanding ledger balance. Of course, every time he stops in, my boss is out and he’s started taking this as a personal affront. Really, he just has the worst timing, but damned if it’s not somehow my fault.

“This is completely ridiculous. He’s never here, he doesn’t return my calls and he won’t take the lien off my property! You probably don’t even give him my messages either, do you? He has all of you little girls covering his ass. Don’t deny it.”
“You know, I bet you’re frustrated right now and that’s okay, but I can’t stress enough how much this isn’t my fault or my problem, and the more you rant at me, the more likely I am to wait until you leave the office, roll my eyes, and then make a joke about how you look like a penis with mutton chops and 70s pornstache. Chill out and write him a note or try his cell. It’s not like he isn’t tethered to it 24/7.”
“Well at least if you have to be a bitch, you can be mildly amusing.”

I really don’t get paid enough for this, but I don’t think I’ll ever find another job where I can say a reasonable amount of the things I’m really thinking out loud…

20 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. bluzdude

    I’ve said it before, but I think you have it made, what with having a steady stream of doofuses lining up to receive whatever well-deserved abuse you choose to drop on them. You’re living large!
    bluzdude recently posted..Retail Bluz Part 8 – The Home Office Quest EditionMy Profile

    1. admin

      Unfortunately, the stress involved with the escalating drama this past few weeks is cancelling out the awesomeness of telling people the things they desperately need to hear.
      admin recently posted..I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.My Profile

  2. Jana

    Shut up – if you said that, I bow down lady!!!

    1. Jana

      To clarify – I meant if you said that to the guy in your office!! I totally agree with Nat – if you can’t manage to keep your toddler off the couch, then fucking strap them in to the saucer/jumpy shit.

      1. admin

        Yeah, the guy is an oily, untrustworthy douche and there was nothing I could have said to him that would have gotten my in trouble, so I took my frustration with dumbfuck coeds out on him.

        Also, moms like this bitch are why there are so many disparaging jokes about breeders.
        admin recently posted..I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.My Profile

  3. NATurally Inappropriate

    Look, this bitch is retarded. And also, you can fucking tell she’s probs a first time mom, too. She’s absolutely one of those moms who is the FIRST one to ever have a baby, fucking ever. You know the sort I mean. Actually, kinda like me with my puppy. How fucking annoying.

    Anyway- in my own defense, as Queen Inappropriate, I just want to say that I have two children who I raised to be some pretty upstanding citizens, and toddlers/babies really are about the same fucking intelligence as puppies, who are WAY smarter than college kids. So ms. high and mighty can shove that shit right up her fucking ass.

    Also, the water bottle idea is hilarious. I’d never use it, but it’s hilarious.

    I sort of also want to slap your friend. If you want your kid to not get on the couch, then fucking watch them. For real. And also, why the fuck would you not want your kid to sit on the couch. It’s better than sitting on the table, or whatever.
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..King KunterMy Profile

    1. admin

      As a matter of fact, she *IS* a new mom, and she’s a whole 20 years old to boot! So nevermind the fact that her own common sense clearly has not grown in yet, but she’s going to shit all over anyone who doesn’t have kids because they couldn’t possibly understand.

      Also, the kid’s not really all that cute and I’ve yet to see or hear any tales of his remarkable toddler exploits, whereas her dog is always pretty awesome. So outside of missing the dog, I don’t feel that I’ve suffered any great loss in unfriending the little dipshit.
      admin recently posted..I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.My Profile

      1. Jake

        Maybe the dog has its own Facebook page.
        Jake recently posted..The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And also ideas that we don’t like. And albatrosses.My Profile

        1. admin

          Sadly, she does not.

    2. Misty

      She’s too busy giving handys to neighbors in the bathroom to pay attention to her kid climbing on the sofa. Why can’t he just sit in the middle of the floor like a good little lump, aka child support check?
      Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: YOU Strike Again!My Profile

      1. NATurally Inappropriate

        LMAO!
        NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..King KunterMy Profile

      2. admin

        In fairness, she is married and her husband seems like an okay guy as far as I can tell. That said, I’m always reminded of the adage, “No matter how pretty a woman may be, some man, somewhere is tired of her shit.”
        admin recently posted..I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.My Profile

  4. NATurally Inappropriate

    Bwaaaaaaaaahaha.

    Fabulous.

    “I’m sorry your kid looks like a troll. However, your dog is rad as shit.”
    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..King KunterMy Profile

  5. Misty

    Personally, I think she’s trying to stifle his natural spiderman-like tendancies. She has a super hero on her hands and doesn’t even rekognahz!

    I think your boss IS doing it on purpose. Who would want to deal with that dude? At least you get to take out some frustrations, not that it helps much I’m sure.

    Waterbottling is genius!
    Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: YOU Strike Again!My Profile

    1. admin

      Superhero is being overly generous, but I’m thinking that a big bowl of Paint Chips brand cereal is not out of the question in the coming years.
      admin recently posted..I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.My Profile

  6. Jake

    My wife works in a law office where she has to deal with fucktards like Middle-Aged-Commercial-Tenant all the time. Unfortunately, she doesn’t get any opportunity to vent directly to them at work, which is sad because the nicknames she gives them and the stories she tells about shit that they actually say and do are pure comedy gold.

    Also, I haven’t been tracking mine…how many gamer points would you say you get for each achievement, on average?
    Jake recently posted..The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And also ideas that we don’t like. And albatrosses.My Profile

    1. admin

      I have to figure that it’s somewhere above an arcade game, but just below Call of Duty. I dunno…75 points per unlock? It’s too bad they’re not redeemable for cash…
      admin recently posted..I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.My Profile

  7. Valerie

    UGH! I can’t stand first time moms with no sense of humor. Good thing that the Gods have given most of them ugly children anyway. It makes it more fun when then post the thousands of pictures on FB. Because I’m always all, “SWEET!!! New pics are up. Let me get some beer and popcorn! Day officially MADE.”

    Hugs!

    Valerie
    Valerie recently posted..The Mysterious Case of the Unicorn VaginaMy Profile

    1. admin

      I just don’t comment on baby pictures anymore. Even when I’m making comments on my friends’ pictures who know I’m joking, someone inevitably takes offense. So I let everyone else make ugly baby comments and egg them on.
      admin recently posted..I’m glad you were amused when I offended you. Or Not.My Profile

      1. Valerie

        This is a good motto for life. :o)
        Valerie recently posted..Dear Monday, You’re ugly and you’re mama dresses you funny. Love, MeMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>


*

CommentLuv badge